Why Girls Should Self-Pleasure Before ‘Losing’ Their Virginity

by Anna M Erickson

You clicked at this article either completely startled or unstoppably curious -- or, well, both -- as to what its content has to offer. Before we begin I would like to inform you that this article is the first of its kind. You are not reading what has been read before; instead, every word you read is the future. And, as your eyes scan these lines, please know that you are now reading a small article but this could become the bible for generations of girls to come. 

Months of careful thought and consideration have gone on behind the scenes to publish this piece. Meanwhile, in your life puzzle pieces have been strategically linked so that today both our paths have met and here we are sharing in the same moment. My intention here is to offer an alternative theory of how virginity should be approached. If girls self-pleasure before ‘losing’ their virginity it could change sexual relationships as we know them, with both ourselves and others, fostering a healthier environment in how we, and all of society, view and experience sexuality.

The concept of virginity has been in discussion for years. It is arguably one of the most personal human experiences with the most massive public interest. Sex has been governed by policy, religion, society, and culture throughout all of history. Adultery is still a felony in some states and, outside of the United States, other cultures consider this to be punishable by death. 

And because sex is one of the most commonly shared human experiences, it opens the pulpit to everyone -- and every person has their 2 cents to cast on the topic. Consequently, virginity is even more heavily weighed-in on. Just think about how freshman and rookies get ‘roughed up’ -- but this time it's not a school cafeteria or having to engage in miscellaneous activities -- it is your sex life. Whether one chooses for this to be private or not, sex still channels high-frequency energy exchange which makes it intimate to some degree. And because virginity is the precursor to one's first time, ‘losing’ one’s virginity, is as big of a deal in society’s eyes as a baby’s first word. 

While analyzing the experiences surrounding virginity, an important point needs to be made about whether the desire to engage in sex for the first time is consistent among males and females. In the study “The American Virgin: First-Time Sex Trends of U.S. Males and Females,” it was found that for males, “92.6% of first-time sex was wanted” and for females that number was “93.4%” (“The American Virgin…”). These numbers suggest that first-time sex, in the majority of cases, is consensual and voluntary; both men and women, in most cases, welcome their first time. 

However, even after sharing the same experience of ‘losing’ one’s virginity, men and women often walk away from the experience with varying outlooks on the same event. Men often see “virginity loss as a right of passage entailing physical performance and the achievement of manhood” whereas women “typically f[ind] virginity loss less pleasurable, physically and emotionally” (Carpenter, 346). This should not be interpreted as women regret or dislike their first time -- maybe they do, maybe they don't -- but, just in a literal sense, women tend to find their first time less immediately fulfilling. 

When asking a male friend how he felt after losing his virginity he immediately exclaimed: “I felt dope, on top of the world!” When I asked my friend Amelia how she felt after there was a moment of silence which would be the start of a two-hour-long conversation. This dialogue alone provides enough reasonable doubt to prompt further investigation into the first time experiences in males versus females. If that is not reason enough -- when I asked my unnamed male peer if I could include his response in my article he began to retract his prior explanation saying there was a lot more to it and that was just his first reaction. But that's the exact point - it was his first thought: I felt dope. He then asked to remain anonymous. 

This begs the question: why is it that women largely walk away from the same incident as men but with such varying experiences? Why is it that “men are more likely to feel confident and satisfied, women may feel just the opposite” after their first time (“Report: Men and Women…”). The list of speculations could go on for pages, but an area of study which deserves much attention is how the input affects the output; meaning, how does ones' knowledge of their own sexual desires and likes before having sex for the first time affect their experience. What are a man’s sexual experiences prior to his first time in contrast with a woman's sexual experiences prior to her first time? If girls did more pleasure research prior to having sex for the first time could it increase the likelihood of a better experience? By studying this it will expand one's outlook and provide the opportunity for one to choose as to if they do or do not want to implement this theory. Either way, the tools are all there. 

 First, it is important to fully understand the sexual experiences that men versus women have prior to ‘losing’ their virginity. Men tend to explore their sexuality, prior to their first time, at a higher rate than women do. The most obvious reason is because of the nature of spermatogenesis. When males go through puberty new need for ejaculation prompts men to explore this new feature. Because the biological demand for males to ejaculate happens earlier than the average age men lose their virginity, it makes clear why men are more likely to explore themselves sexually prior to their first time. 

Secondly, males largely external sex organs allow for easy self-exploration -- it is something that can be held and felt and it is visual. For this reason, men often become more familiar and comfortable with their bodies because it's literally right there.

Women, in contrast, are less likely to explore their sexuality because of social stigma and the nature of their anatomy. Dr. Vanessa Marlin, a gynecologist, noted that “about 30% of my female clients have never taken a good look at what they've got going on between their legs” which leaves a large part of women's bodies to go unexplored (Marlin). Women’s genitalia is primarily internal and important information about it tends to be scrambled with misinformation. For example, even the popularized term vagina is in itself misleading. This contributes to the disconnect between a women and their sexuality.

But above all else, the factor here that most seriously makes the difference between men and women is that men experience the biological necessity to ejaculate, which prompts self-exploration, whereas women do not.

 The extent of body exploration in men versus women varies strongly. Men tend to go into first time sex with more knowledge of their own bodies and ‘research’ of what they like. Whereas, women often walk into first time sex with less prior knowledge of their bodies and minimal ‘research’ of what they like. Both walk into the same experience, yet leave with different stories. A major differentiating factor? The input. When you walk into an experience with intention, rather than confusion, it welcomes a more positive experience. 

The theory here is that if women explored their bodies and sexual likes before having sex for the first time, it could invite in much healthier relationships with their sexuality as well as better experiences with their future partner(s), revolutionizing women’s first-time experiences for the better. The great part is — the ways in which women can explore their bodies through self-pleasure are infinite and abundant. 

For every woman self-pleasure can be explored in a different way -- whatever makes you feel most in touch with your sexuality offers a way to explore your body and the sensations it enjoys. Self-pleasure could mean something as concrete as masturbation, which has been so popularized other methods are often forgotten, or it could be mean journaling about your most ideal sexual experience; it could mean enjoying a sensual massage;  it could mean naked journaling; it could mean going skinny dipping or taking a belly dancing class; it could mean engaging in the ritual of Yani steaming; it could mean taking a trip to Babeland; it could mean buying something just because it makes you feel sexy: “pussy expenses” -- when you buy something because your pussy just wants it, mark it under pussy expenses. 

The list of ways to explore your body and sexuality is endless, but the essence is all the same. The hope is that by engaging in practices that bring women closer to their sexuality and body it will assist in bringing about a greater love and comfortability to their sensuality prior to having sex for the first time which will ultimately result in -- when the time comes -- more pleasurable experiences. 

This approach to virginity could change the world as we know it. As Mama Gena says, “women are the greatest untapped natural resource on the planet;” untapped because for a long time women have been torn away from the magnificence of the feminine. The more in-touch women come to their magnificence, the more energy we have to spend time playing big, instead of playing small. Why should girls self-pleasure before ‘losing’ their virginity? Because when put in action this will bring women more in touch with their sexuality, more in touch with that magnificence, and consequently lead to a more vibrant planet as a whole.